Nathan Skky

Musings: Purpose, pt. 1

I. It starts with thoughts.

I think it started a little late for me.

You know, that time when you begin to wonder what it is exactly you’d like to do with your life.  This is not to say I’ve only begun thinking this through recently; everyone faces the question of his or her own future plans early on, at least here in America.  In my case, the first encounter with this thought was like most people’s — the teacher asks you in whatever grade it happens to be, “What would you like to be when you grow up?”

I’m sure I was probably asked that question many times as a child, but the first time I can remember my answer to the question was 5th grade.  I wanted to be a mathematician.  I of course had no clue what a professional mathematician might do as a career — I had no sense of what a career even was, for that matter.  I just knew that mathematicians dealt with math and numbers, and I liked math and numbers, so that’s what I wanted to do.

I’ve always loved math.  At no time did I ever find it difficult as a kid, and knowing that there was only a single solution to a given problem (which might consist of several — or no — answers, but a single solution nevertheless; a better way to say it might be that the results never changed) was something I enjoyed greatly.  I knew that I was either right or wrong, and ‘wrong’ was just not acceptable to me.

So why am I talking about this time in 5th grade when I felt certain I knew what I wanted to do when I grew older?  We all know that things change.  People change, tastes change, circumstances change.  The fact is, my mind has been changed on this subject several times, as for most other people.  So why start here?

Well, what is interesting about this story is actually a thought I had this time around, as I recalled the event in my mind.  Think for a moment of a young child, with little knowledge of the difficulties and requirements of adulthood, and perhaps even less understanding of the so called “big questions” of life.  The particular “big question” in question is one regarding human existence — namely, “Why am I alive?” (Or perhaps, “What purpose does my existence serve?”)  Does the young child care?  No, of course not.  The thought has likely never entered his or her mind.  This question and those like it (and there are many) will not color the child’s thoughts and decisions for some time, if ever.

“I want to be a mathematician.”  Young Nathan likes math — more than the other subjects — at that very moment, and therefore chooses without reservation a future for himself that will allow him to continue to enjoy math, and therefore continue to be happy as he is then.  Simple, no?

I start with a past recollection because I want to make the contrast between two ideas that are currently at work in my mind.  One is the idea that happiness is an important state of being to be achieved (this is a relatively new idea as far as my personal worldview is concerned); the other is the idea that there is an answer to the question of our existence which, when considered as the truly right course of action for our lives, informs our living in such a way as to do maximum good insofar as the question is concerned.  To know the answer and then not act accordingly would seem an unnecessary waste of time and energy, running contrary to what is best.  (note: These ideas will probably change slightly in wording and concept in future discussion, when I actually spell them out more clearly. It’s a little hard condensing complex concepts into single sentences.)

Now, an aside from Nathan the cynic:

“that sounds interesting and all. but you don’t know the answer. not yet, and maybe not ever. you haven’t even fully asked the question — which, by the way, begets many more questions of its own once asked. good luck with that.”

Forgive him: he cannot be bothered to capitalize properly.

II. A little context, please?

I must apologize.  I’ve jumped into the middle of an internal monologue/dialogue?/Lordhelpusall that I’ve been having for some time now, and of course you wouldn’t know anything about that.  Well, let me take a moment and catch you up on my life for the past little while.

So.  I am currently living in Bloomington, Indiana — I moved here a little over a month ago.  How did I get here?  Well, to save time, I think I’m going to avail myself of my good friend, the bulleted list (you may roll your eyes at any time).  Let’s start back in Autumn 2011:

• August: Working at Dell as a Help Desk Technician. Haven’t been serious about continuing my college education until just recently. Contemplating returning to school in the Spring.
• December: Finish performing as Fred Anderson in The Renaissance Center’s production of “A Christmas Carol: The Musical”. After the final performance, I head for Nashville for a Westminster choir party. My car, which had started making a terrible noise the day before, loses a part of itself, dies, and catches on fire. I say farewell to my car.
• January 2012: I start classes again, this time relatively seriously. I am jobless, without any source of income. My financial aid will keep me going for the duration of the semester, but not much afterward if at all.
• At some point during the semester, I begin debating the pros and cons of continuing my current degree program or changing to a different one. More on this later.
• April: Classes are done. Started with 6; dropped one immediately on the first day (which therefore did not count for anything); withdrew from one after the final drop day when it became apparent I could not do adequate work for the class without sacrificing the other classes; finished the semester passing 3 of the remaining 4 classes. Financial Aid probation required me to pass 75% of my attempted hours to continue receiving financial aid for subsequent semesters. I believe I’ve accomplished this; turns out I have not, as they take into account my withdrawn class for attempted hours.
• Apply for jobs. Many jobs. No calls, no emails. Owe lots of money to several places and cannot pay. Running out of money to pay for rent and food.
• Resurgence in my math interests. Debate about my future takes the forefront. More on this later.
• June: Two good chances at a job evaporate. Threshold passed where getting a job will allow me to continue living in Murfreesboro. Can no longer pay rent for my apartment. Quick decisions must be made.
• Must move to a place where my expenses will be severely minimized. Two choices exist: back home in East TN, or Bloomington, IN. I decide on Bloomington, for a couple reasons. More on this later.
• July: My father and I move all my things back to East TN in one trip, in one day. I return to Nashville/Murfreesboro, and two days later I board a plane with the Westminster choirs for France and Switzerland.
• Upon returning to the States, I go home to East TN where I spend the next two weeks with my family, relaxing and preparing for the move to Indiana. I manage to secure a temporary job at T.I.S. College Bookstore for the Fall Rush before classes start at IU.

And that brings us to now, roughly.  I just finished working at T.I.S. as a temp. cashier, still looking for a permanent job.  I start my new job as a staff singer this week at Christ Church Cathedral in Indianapolis.  I haven’t had too much time to adjust to my new surroundings yet, but I know that will come once things settle down and become more regular.  I have finally started working out semi-regularly, using a workout routine that was given to me by Isabel (my stepmother, who is a personal trainer and bodybuilder).  I also bike to work, which is nice (though I have to stop and walk a few of the hills — Bloomington is rather hilly, and I’m not in that kind of shape yet).

All in all, I’m settling in well.  I’m fairly relaxed and taking things a day at a time, while keeping an eye on the future for opportunities that may arise.

Now.  What of “More on this later”?  It should be mentioned at this point that my intention was never to write more than a couple paragraphs detailing the past several months, which would serve to catch several people up on my life.  Everything that happened in the past three months or so happened very fast, in quick succession, and I was not afforded the opportunity to really tell people what I was doing, why I was doing it, or even why it needed to be done.

Those who’ve known me a little while know that there is usually much more going on under the surface of everything I do than what I let on.  This extra bit of information often concerns bigger questions, more complex thoughts and actions. I can’t communicate these things quickly; they are necessarily left out of casual conversation because it would require more time to explain.  However, here I can write as much as I want, and you can read as much as you want, when you want.  So I have resolved to invest just a little more time and energy into this endeavor — not just for the sake of those who may be interested, but also for myself.  How for myself?  Well, sometimes it does a person good to put into words those things which have been rattling about in their head for some time — intangibly and incoherently rattling, yet interacting with the surroundings, thereby leaving them tinged with uncertainty.

And who knows?  Maybe someone will leave here at the end with some thoughtful questions of their own.  That would edify me greatly.  So with that hope I now move to heavier thoughts and questions, with guest appearances by the “More on this later” club along the way.  Onward!